My Struggle With His Will
November 19, 2013
9:06 p.m. CST
Earlier in my writings, I mentioned a church I used to attend. They were very fond of throwing around the words "His Will" ... a lot. To them, everything that happened, good or bad, was automatically "His will". For a long time I never thought about it. But after a few years, I started wondering. How could it be God's will for bad things to happen. It stayed that way in my mind, just a dark thought, without any real substance, until I was 18....when I was raped.
I had always known that bad things happen to people, all people, good and bad. The subject had come up in sermons...many times. I can recall the verses they always pointed to, the ones in Job, where Job was plagued with the loss of all he had, the deaths of every child of his, the deaths of all his servants, except for the servants who witnessed these horrible things, and the betrayal of his friends who chose to blame him for all the terrible events, and claimed that he must have done something to inspire God to punish him in this fashion. I never understood what the ministers were trying to say, they seemingly went in circles in their logic. While they spoke, some of it kind of made sense, but the points didn't seem to have relevance to their point.
After the rapes, I confided in a young man I knew. I told him that I had been raped and that I was having difficulties. I tried to explain how I was feeling. His response to me shook me to my feet. He told me that God "wanted" me to be raped. I can't begin to describe the things that went through my mind....and has ever since. That was even worse than being told that all a rapist gets is a "piece of ass" and suggested that I take that attitude. OK, back to God wanting me to be raped....
My problem with this logic is that in the Bible, and theoretically to all Christians, rape is listed as a definite no-no. Besides the Biblical ban on this, there is the issue with what it does to a person's mental state, emotional state, and physically what can happen if the rapist has some disease that can be spread, and then there's the issue of the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy. By saying that God wanted me to be raped, one has no choice but concede that God didn't mean it when he said not to do it.
This can be extended to all circumstances where crimes are committed, or as you choose, sins are committed. If you say that God wanted someone to be robbed, then he didn't mean it when he said in the Bible not to steal.
I knew where the young man came up with his logic, and his choice of wording. I can remember vividly the sermon where the minister stated quite plainly that "nothing happens without God's express permission."
Some years ago there was another young man who married and had a daughter with his wife. When his daughter was about 6 years old (I'm guessing at her age. It was approximate.)he became sick and stayed sick for maybe about a month. He didn't get well. He died. Later I was told it was just the flu. He had refused to go see a doctor because it was seen as a sign of lack of faith on his part if he saw a doctor. His wife became a widow. He daughter was now fatherless. And...everyone said it was God's will. Some changed the wording to God wanted him to die. I couldn't understand why.
I quit attending that church in either 1996 or 1997. There just came a day when I realized that every single day I went to services I spent the day sobbing. I couldn't make sense of anything inside my mind, with or without them, with or without God, with or without logic, nothing. I came to the conclusion I had to get away from organized religion, away from them in particular, and separate myself from thinking about trying to make sense of something senseless. A subject that has you tied in knots is sometimes better on the back burner, at least until you're stronger.
For more than a decade I did not want to think about God, my former church, the rapes, or anything that required any manner of philosophical or religious thought. But to some greater extent, that's not possible. You can put aside the things you don't have to deal with everyday, but realistically, you live with your rapes ever minute of every day. There's no escape. I've heard people joke about rape, rapists, victims. I've heard and read Twitter and FB and articles blaming victims for what happens to them. It lives with me. And that pain is indelibly a part of me. It never leaves. It colors every conversation and every perception. It is not separate from me. I cannot just "get over it" or "snap out of it" anymore than I can snap out of who I am.
A couple years ago, I met a couple of men, one who is Christian, the other has Christian leanings but also is into aspects of eastern religion, who have helped me through some issues. The Christian friend has been especially of help. We talk about many things, including religious logic and organized religion. Aside from our God-talk we also like to talk about the paranormal field. One day another friend who is in the paranormal field brought a recording into the chat he had taken during an investigation. The recording was of a spirit saying the word "Die". He was a little frightened because he thought the spirit was threatening him. My Christian friend brought up an interesting point. He said that there were any number of reasons other than making a threat to the investigator that a spirit might say "Die". Perhaps it was trying to convey that this spot was where he/she had died. Perhaps it was trying to convey that something else had died there. Perhaps it was part of another word and it did not have enough energy to say the entire word clearly. And there were other possible reasons.
This conversation stayed tucked away in my mind ever since.
Between me and my Christian friend, there has been a lot of talk about God's will. Usually he's the one saying the term. I tend to shy away from calling anything God's will. I don't know what God's will is. I don't want to be the one to put anything on God as it being His will when truthfully, I don't know.
Recently the issue of God's will came up again. I realized I have to deal with this. I have to understand what "will" means if it does not mean "want". That's the way I always understood it. But if God does not "want" these bad things to happen, then how can they be His "will?"
Sometimes you can tear yourself apart for years and not get the answer, and other times, the answer can come in a blinding flash, instantly.
It came to me tonight in a blinding flash. It wasn't the bad things that are His will. And yes, "will" does mean "want" in some instances. In other instances, it can just mean "let happen." Then you ask "Why would God want to let something happen if he doesn't want the end result?"
In the conversation with the paranormal investigator, there had been a premise of only one possibility of what the spirit meant. By the same token that there were other possibilities for the word "Die" in the recording, I discovered that the premise of only one possibility for the meaning of "will" was also as faulty. The issue is not in the definition of "will" and "want", but rather "what" does God want? The answer is very simple. He gives us free choice. That doesn't mean that He likes everything we choose. It doesn't mean He wants everything we choose. He wants us to choose the right thing(s) voluntarily, even if that means bad things happen as a result. Everything has consequences. Not everything is safe, even the good choices. Sometimes bad consequences happen no matter which decision you make. Sometimes he lets bad things happen when he "could" easily fix the problem so we can choose how we are going to respond and how we are going to grow.
Let's say there's a baby that is dying. Sure, God "could" miraculously heal the baby. Sometimes he does just that. I've seen it happen. Sometimes he doesn't. We sit and wonder why. A person "can" drive himself or herself to insanity asking that question, and never get the answer. There are many Christians who are willing to sit back and say "It was God's will." Maybe. Or maybe it was His will to see how far the baby's parents would go to save their child.
I've come to the understanding that angels, if they are NOT fallen angels, are obligated to do God's will, no matter what the consequences may be. If God has given his angels who are NOT fallen the word that someone is to die, those angels CANNOT interfere with that death, no matter what. By the same token, if God gives the word to his angels currently in his service that a war is not to be stopped, those angels are obligated to not do anything that would stop that war or any of the atrocities that will happen. But I question, does that extend to humans? Are WE obligated to allow anything and everything because God does? Does God expect humans to always accept His will? If what He wants from us is free choice and growth, is it possible for there to be separate wills? One will for what He expects from His angels and another He expects from His human children? Where is is written that His will always has to end with someone's death, or that His will has to always be only action on His part?
There's also the issue of direct command, or lack of a command. If God specifically tells someone "Do this" or "Don't do that", His word is a direct command. There are many instances in the Bible where people were given direct commands. I can understand this as being His will directly expressed for what He wants and I have no argument. But if someone gets sick, and no direct command to abstain from getting medical help has been given, who has the right to say "It's God's will if a sick person dies?" Who has the right to say that no interference can be made to prevent that death?
There's also a matter of trust, having faith. I've had trust issues ever since the rapes, specifically trusting men, and trusting God. I had always been taught to have faith in God, to trust Him. I did. I was taught that if I had faith in God and trusted Him, He would always protect me, that nothing truly bad would be allowed to happen to me. I was taught that I would never be allowed to experience more than I could handle. I believed it. I trusted....completely. I was wrong. I was lied to.
Bad things happen, sometimes to good people, sometimes to bad people. Good things happen, sometimes to good people, sometimes to bad people. Sometimes, there's just too much. There are people in mental institutions because they have too much to handle. Believing in a just God, this would seem unfair. As Americans, and as Christians, we are taught that God is just, and that God looks out for those who believe in Him. We are taught that He makes a lot of promises that are slanted in his followers favor. Many of those promises are lies, or half truths. I've had to come to grips with the idea that the Bible, even if it was inspired by God, was indeed written down by mere mortals, as they understood the inspiration. I've also had to come to understand that the Bible was translated from Aramaic and Greek into many other languages, and languages never translate exactly word for word with the exact same meanings. And I've been reminded by friends that translators were also mere humans, who often had their own agenda religiously and politically, who deliberately changed the meanings they either didn't comprehend or refused to agree with. But it's not just a matter of bad things happening. Sometimes those things are catastrophic, and sometimes a person CAN go insane.
There is a verse in the Bible that was read in sermons that, on the surface, seemed to support the logic I was taught. It took decades of near lunacy for me to finally put my finger on the lie. No. The lie was not in the verse. The lie was in the premise of what we were reading into the verse that wasn't really there. It does NOT say you won't get more than you can handle. It says God won't be the author of you having too much to handle. But too much can still be on your plate. Also, the way it's worded, it says that what you are loaded down with will never be too much for .... God .... to handle. And it never says that you having too much to handle was ever God's will, the same as it never says that God will always give you what you request. You can ask, but he may just as easily say "No" as to say "Yes."
So what is the point of trust and faith? If we can't trust God to prevent bad things from happening? If we can't trust God to prevent us from having too much to handle? If we can't trust God to prevent us from going insane? How can we trust and have faith in His will if He lets this happen?
I can't speak for other people. I can only speak for myself. Sure I trusted and had faith. But I had, and still have, another problem. I thought this was enough, that I did not need to communicate. Surely, God knows me already. He knows what I think. He knows what I need. What's the point of prayer? I thought faith and trust, and obedience to what I believed was His will, was enough. I didn't pray, at all. I know. It's very hard to strike up a conversation with someone you don't know, especially when you're shy, timid, and frightened of what people will think of you, or anyone for that matter. God seems so far away. I couldn't see Him. I couldn't hear Him. He always seemed like the austere, frightening grandfather that everyone is afraid of. It's hard to warm up to someone and develop a relationship with a total stranger who, culturally speaking, is built up as someone who's just waiting for a mistake from you so he can hit you. I still have a problem with prayer. I have a hard enough time trying to start conversations with mere people I've never met before. It's many times harder with starting a prayer to someone you're convinced is looking for a reason to hate you.
The truth is, and yes, I still have trouble believing this myself, God doesn't hate anyone. There are times in the Bible it says God hates this person or that person, but I'm coming to believe that it's a relative thing, such as not hate, but love less, and still, this was through the comprehension of the writers. It can be difficult to separate the difference between hating a person and hating what they do.
So back to the point of prayer, if He already knows every person inside out. I believe he wants us to talk, to start that conversation, to start that relationship. He wants to hear our voices. He wants that connection. He does not force himself on anyone. He does talk to us, but He allows us to block Him out. It's so easy. He let's it be that way. He does not force the worship of Him on anyone. But for someone who has too much, He also makes it easy to reach Him.
And that brings me back to faith and trust. What exactly is someone supposed to trust God to do? What is there to have faith in if God doesn't prevent bad things from happening, if He doesn't prevent it from being too much to handle? It came to me....to have faith that when you speak, He will hear, that when you start that conversation, He will answer, that when you ASK for relief, you may or may not get the answer you want, but whatever comes will benefit you in way that is best for your growth, that when someone dies, even if they die too young, the deceased have not left his heart or care, and will still be taken care of. It's not important that you have faith in and trust that you will get your way in everything, but rather that the end result will justify the pain and suffering. And further, that when you have too much, enough of the load will be removed so that you CAN handle the remaining load. He's not looking for just blind obedience. If that's what he wanted, he could have made us all robots. You can't have a relationship with a robot. Neither can He. Robots don't "love." He offers that. He wants yours in return. He can only fan the flames of that by having a conversation with you. And you'll never hear Him when He speaks if you're not open to having that conversation. And for the record, most people who hear him speak are not hearing an actual "audible sound", but suddenly discover they understand something. Occassionally, there are a few who say they hear him audibly. Being a person who has seen much of the paranormal, I can believe this. I've seen a lot of strange things this past two years.
If you're not willing to have a relationship with Him, what growth would come from Him preventing everything bad? What would spur anyone to take that first step?
I've heard it said that there's no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. Foxholes come in many forms.
Faith and trust are not dirty words, but..........they are a struggle.
