The Universal Search for Comfort and Love
Over the course of my 50-plus years, there are some things I have learned, and other things I'm still learning and grappling. One of those things is that home is not just a word. For some people it is just a word. There is such sadness in that. Home is supposed to be a haven, a place of safety, a place of comfort, a place of not just belonging, but feeling that sense of belonging. Home is supposed to be a place where you can hide from the outside world, share your heart and your mind and your feelings with those related and loved and feel that sense of love, acceptance and warmth radiated back to you.
Sometimes, whether you have a good family at home, whether home is one of still living with your parents, or living with siblings, or if you've made a home with a spouse or life partner and/or children, you also find a sense of belonging with others who share a common interest or background. You know what I mean. That sensation you feel when your around other people where it feels like a warm, fuzzy blanket has been wrapped around you even though there is none there physically and you feel like you've just come in from the cold on a freezing day and that warmth fills you all the way down to your fingers and toes. These are the people who let you understand that they want you there, and you can tell them absolutely anything, all your deepest feelings, your fears, your regrets, your mistakes, and you feel that sense of comfort that nothing you say will ever make them love you less. This is an adoptive family. Please understand. I'm not talking about parents that adopt children through the court. I am lucky enough to have found such friends. We call each other family.
Unfortunately, not everyone has a good family at home, and even if you do, sometimes things happen in our lives that our own family members just can't grip, and having that adoptive family or someone who truly understands is especially important. Often, it makes the difference between choosing life and choosing suicide. That sense of feeling understood and the strength that comes from such a bond truly helps when you're at your weakest and you're searching for even just one reason to hold on for one more day.
There are several controversial issues today in the world, and it's all evident in the United States as well. The United States as a whole, and each state separately, are undergoing a transformation of values and laws based on how we deal with those values and that transformation. Several of them are related, and these are the ones I'm talking about today. They are the ones related to homosexuality and other gender issues.
At the time of this post, there are several states that allow marriage between two people of the same gender, but most don't. There are a few companies and a couple of states that recognize life partners as eligible for marital benefits during the relationship and after the death of one of the partners, but most don't. Some states allow same sex partners to legally adopt children and raise them, some don't.
The religious church in which I was raised, along with millions of other well-meaning Christians, and some other religions, have a view in their minds about what sexuality is all about, what marriage is all about, and views on what non-straight sexuality is all about. I think I've heard it all.
The various theories I've heard is that all gays are child abusers, all gay men are rapists, and that all non-straight people want to have sex with every person of the same gender they see, that gay people are not capable of love, and that all they have is lust, that any and all sexual encounters are based on just the self-gratification. The theories about how and why people are gay are just as myriad.
In addition, there are boundless ideas on how to get gay people to stop being gay. That is, of course, if they're willing to allow the gays to continue living since many of these religious people think that all gays should be killed.
After getting to know the friends I now have, I can say with extreme confidence, that every theory I've ever heard regarding non-straights is complete and utter BUNK!
Straight people do not have a monopoly on having their heads on straight nor do they have a monopoly on love, gentleness, tenderness and sex! Gays do not have a monopoly on perversion! There are straight child molesters and straight rapists! There are straight people who want to have sex with every person they fancy! Every person on earth is predisposed to self-gratification! That's human nature! There are those in every grouping of people who hold no value for maintaining the innocence of minors.
I also know many of my friends to have solid relationships and have sex with only one life partner with whom all they want is to make it legal and have the same marital rights that all other married people in love have as rights.
Of course this includes gays, just as it includes straight people. At the same time, I've seen many gays/lesbians who have done wonderful jobs in raising children and teach their children what their children need to know and raise them to value everyone around them. I know many non-straight people who absolutely value maintaining the innocence of children.
And then there are those who are not comfortable in the gendered bodies they have.
My friends know that I'm straight. As a straight person, I've never wanted to change my gender. I am female and have always enjoyed being female. While I wouldn't say that my attitude or emotions are ALWAYS really girly, I can say I've had my moments. At the same time, there are things about myself I don't like at all, things I would change surgically if I could, if only I had the money. But I don't and probably never will.
Everyone who knows me knows I've been alone for the past 30 years. OK. Yes, I had a boyfriend for a while, but that was more like a really close friendship. It was never going anywhere. It still boiled down to me always being alone. And there's more than one way to be alone. It both terrifies and depresses me, the thought of spending the rest of my life never having anyone meaningful to me living with me, the thought of spending the rest of my life never having anyone to give my love, and the other side of that coin, not having anyone who loves me...that way.
There is no one hating me, or bullying me, or threatening me, calling me names, saying I should die, or saying that I should be alone all the rest of my life because there are things I dislike about myself. Nobody is saying that I don't deserve to be loved or be in love because I dislike things about myself. If I had the surgery to change the things I dislike about my body, nobody would be standing there cursing me and saying that I must therefore be a bad parent. Nobody would be calling me a deviant or a pervert. Nobody would be denying me a marriage license. Nobody would use such a surgery as an excuse to refuse me marital benefits.
Assuming I had the money for surgery, to fix the things I don't like about my body, there are a number of reputable surgeons who could fix those things and make my life immeasurably better.
The same does not hold true for those who are not comfortable with their gender. It is far more physically invasive, far more delicate a procedure, far fewer doctors that are sufficiently trained to perform transgender surgeries, and far more incompetent doctors willing to butcher their desperate patients who just want that better life. The surgeries are multiple and require a longer period of time to complete the series. If the patient runs out of money, he or she often get stuck in the middle not completely one or the other gender. Then the government, usually the state, often refuses to recognize the new gender, even if the transition is completed. Doctors who butcher their patients due to incompetence often end up killing their patients. And if the patients don't die, they could be horribly disfigured.
Yet, knowing all this, they still go through it. It's that important to them. I personally believe that anyone facing something so important to their own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well being would try anything, no matter how dangerous, to accomplish that.
We all need to be able to look into the mirror and be able to think, "I know this person. This is who I am. I understand this person. And everyone I meet can easily see who I am, or at the very least, get a glimpse of who and what I am inside." How can any person respond appropriately to the way they are treated if they are treated according to what's on the outside, but inside they are something else?
The plastic surgery, cosmetic, hair restoration, hair color, skin tanning, body building, health, exercise, clothing, shoe, fashion and even eyeglass industries are booming with marketing and products and services geared to make what they sell expressive to what people feel they are on the inside. Men want (usually) to have hair on their heads. Both men and women want their hair dyed. They want clothing that expresses their youth and personal flair. They don't just want shoes that perform a function, they want to express who they are. Hell! Even cars come in millions of colors and shapes because they express who the drivers are! Yes, I know, that seems an extreme statement, but it's a valid one. Henry Ford, the automobile magnet, once was asked if he could make cars in other colors because customers were asking for other colors. He replied "They can have any color they want as long as it's black!" There are indeed many people who choose their cars according to the style and color because it expresses who they feel they are inside.
Everybody wants that! It's not just part of the straight psyche. It's part of the human psyche.
I've seen both straight and gay friends who are confused about who they are. I've seen both straight and gay friends who know exactly who they are and what they want out of life and relationships. I know some on both sides that are sluts and many on both sides that are faithful to the partner they have. I have seen gay friends of mine express and display more kindness, gentleness, tenderness, acceptance and understanding than the vast majority of the straight people I know. This does not speak well of the straight world. But then, gays have had more experience in needing the expression of those attributes. Sadly most people don't learn valuable lessons until they are jolted by something tragic in their lives. It's sad that people don't learn more easily.
A while back, Christopher Titus, an American comedian, said this during one of his performances titled "Love is Evol":
All we want is love. It's worth more than fame, money, or an Astin Martin. All we want is to have someone we can fight with like crazy and then have the kind of makeup sex that can make your left side go numb, somebody who will go to court for you and lie, somebody who makes you horny even after they've puked in your car, Love!!! somebody you can be with 65 or 70 years of your life, and your sitting on the porch of that house you bought together and you're old, wrinkly, smelly and you poop through a hole in your side, and she's old, wrinkly, smelly and can't remember your name. She just keeps calling you "the nice man!" But you're still in love and holding hands and you gaze into each other's milky cataract filled eyes, your hearts well up, explode and you both die. That's all we want!
From what I see, there really is no difference between what straight people want and what non-straight people want. The only thing I see that’s different is that straight people want a monopoly on being seen as valid and their views as being values.
While, at times, I feel finding the right person with whom to spend the rest of my life and marry is hopeless, it's not really. Nobody is standing in my way except me. It is grossly unfair to tell somebody that they are not allowed to express love, gentleness, tenderness, affection, or anything else to the person they value most in their lives simply because they don't match with preconceived notions of other people of how they should feel about themselves or others. That is basically telling them they are not allowed to love unless they love somebody the government or society approves for receiving that love. That is basically condemning them to being alone all the rest of their lives or to live together under punitive action from the government. There is very little worse than being alone, except for perhaps being invisible, and if you're in packaging that shows you to be something that is not who you are inside, then who you are truly is invisible. And I, too, have felt invisible for too many years.
May 4, 2011
11:06 p.m. CST
Updated May 5, 2011 @ 4:20 p.m. CST
