Role Models - Fact or Fiction?
Two days ago, on Monday evening, November 8, 2010, my friend Michka contacted me and asked me if I had Nightline turned on, on the television. Nightline was airing a program titled "Journey Into Manhood Camp." Michka was practically beside himself with anger.
The show was about a group that fashions itself after a boot camp complete with cabins out in the middle of nowhere, and army style drill sargents calling out orders. Their openly stated agenda is to teach gay men how to be "real men" and not be gay anymore. They use degradation and humiliation, and some claim it includes behavior on the part of the drill sargents that can most easily be described as sexual molestation, as parts of their training program to de-gay their clients. Some of these clients enrolled on their own, and some were brought by relatives who found themselves desperate to find a way to not have a gay relative anymore.
Michka is openly gay, and proud and happy with who he is.
I didn't see the whole program. I don't generally watch Nightline. I only caught the last 5 minutes, and only because Michka wanted someone to be angry along with him as to the atrocious attitudes against gays propagated by those who would run such a camp. I was flabbergasted by what I saw, but in thinking about it, sadly, not terribly surprised that such camps exist.
I wondered what the definition of manhood is according to them. Is their definition contained in the genitals possessed by a person? If so, can you actually lose your masculinity or femininity by acting in a way considered opposite to the favored norm? After all, they still have the same genitals, don't they? Is their definition contained in a person's depth of character, their wisdom, their honor, their endurance, and their perseverance? If so, if they still have these characteristics and yet they act opposite to the favored norm, how can they be considered as losing their masculinity or femininity?
I wondered if their definition of masculinity or femininity fell to how rugged or swishy a person behaves. It is a common misconception that all gay men act swishy and that all lesbians act rugged and tomboyish. Sure, some do, but it's just as common for a gay man to feel comfortable as himself by acting all rugged and he-mannish and for lesbians to be all sweet and cuddly and swishy. Most gay men and lesbians are not obvious by their demeanor.
It started me thinking about the expectations that exist in our country, and in many places around the world, that we place on each other to be what we expect them to be, and the ways and means we use to accomplish that subtle nudge, or not so subtle at times, to get each other to comply.
There is a concept of being a role model. I can remember being told I had to be a role model for my siblings as we grew up. I had to be a role model for my child. Any behavior was seen as glamorizing that behavior and that children would automatically copy everything they see. I was expected to wear my hair long, wear my skirts long, not wear black unless I was at a funeral, and not wear any makeup or jewelry that was considered gawdy. This did not extend to just my appearance and speech.
It was a common practice and expectation back when I was growing up that all families had to have one father and one mother. After all, they contended, daughters had to see what a mother does, and how a mother acts in order for the daughter to know how to grow up into a woman. Sons had to see what a father does, and how a father acts in order for the son to know how to grow up into a man. You see, we can't have daughters trying to grow up into being men, or sons trying to grow up into being women.
I think of all the times my choices of music were stringently monitored, to make sure I wasn't listening to Def Lepard or REO Speedwagon, or even Elvis Presley for that matter, as if I didn't hear them at school!
My mind wanders to all the role models in a household, father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, dog, cat, rabbit, and goldfish. You think I'm making a joke? Maybe I am and maybe I'm not. But think about it. Just because there's a woman in the house doesn't mean that her example is the one a daughter is going to use to model herself. Conversely, just because there's a man in the house doesn't mean that his example is the one a son is going to use to model himself. If a son or daughter has the mind to use a model other than the parent of the same gender, why wouldn't they use a family pet as a role model? I can remember my dad laughing at an incident that happened when I was about a year and a half old. I crawled up to him on my hands and knees and announced that I was a snake! No. We did not have a snake as a pet. Yes, it's true, sometimes children copy what they see. But is this something to always fear?
Do kids actually emulate role models, and to what extent?
I helped raise my younger sisters and brothers. I know the things they do. Sometimes, yes, they copy what they see. If you say bad words, they say bad words. If you pick you nose, they will pick their nose. We used to have a neighbor who had the weirdest laugh I've ever heard. It was loud and raucous. I had a nephew that imitated that laugh purposely every time he laughed. My mother used to drive me and my twin nephews places we needed to go. I played a trick on them. There was a speed bump in the driveway leading into the cul-de-sac of my apartment building. Every time we went over that speed bump I would bobble my head from side to side and make a silly little saying "bumpety-bumpety-bump" to punctuate the behavior. Without fail, both of my nephews copied this every single time.
Is this emulation something that will be ingrained for life? Don't we have to worry about having to un-train otherwise permanent behavior?
Really? Do you think I still crawl around calling myself a snake? Do you think my nephews who are now in their late teens still bobble their heads whenever hitting a speed bump? Do you think my nephew still has that crazy laugh like the neighbor man? Nooooo! For me to still be crawling around and calling myself a snake, I'd have to believe I am a snake, and I don't. For my nephews to bobble their heads and continue saying the silly phrase, they would have to be stupid enough to not realize that is silly behavior, and they are not stupid. For my nephew to continue that crazy laugh, it would have to be something that is inborn and instinctive to him, and it's not.
Do some behaviors become regular bad habits? Sure! Children hear things you say and repeat them. But when this becomes a regular long-term behavior, is it because they are stupid, or psychotic? Is it because they thought it to be glamorous? I guess my nephew did see that neighbor man's laugh as glamorous, for a while. (I have to laugh at the idea of his donkey laugh being considered as glamorous!) But I'm sure that ended quickly when the girls at school couldn't stand him and called him a dork or a nerd. Ah yes, peer pressure! That sometimes cures social ineptitudes!
Mostly, I think, it's not because the behavior such as swearing and such is seen as glamorous, but rather because it's seen as normal. When you do it, they think it's normal, that it's acceptable.
As for the nose-picking, all children do that, just like thumb-sucking. They don't need to see someone do it for them to think of it and try it. It's natural. It's just another thing they need to learn not to do, like exploring the icky insides of their dirty diapers! At young ages, they don't understand the health consequences of bad sanitation. They don't know what "unsanitary" or "germ" or "bacteria" means.
I can't help but wonder what the intended result is of enforcing a son or daughter to emulate the role model of your choice, whether that be you, your spouse, or someone else.
If your child emulates a role model, just because that's what you want from them, and they want desperately to gain your acceptance and affection, are you really seeing who your child really is inside his heart? Is it only a mirror you're looking for or is it more important to know your child's real self, whoever that is?
Come on, folks! Grow up!
Children, like anyone else, have minds and are quite capable of figuring out, eventually, when something is not socially acceptable in their circle of friends. If they are taught why something is not safe or sanitary, and how to behave safely, they have the capability to consciously avoid doing those behaviors. When they become adults, really, don't you want your adult children to be confident enough in themselves that they can trust their choice making abilities? Wouldn't it be better for them to learn how to make wise choices than to dictate to them what their behavior will be. I am not saying that anything goes, or should, but at some point, they need to learn how to make choices and have the confidence to do that.
Besides, think about it, how dangerous are some of their preferences? Is wearing black clothing really dangerous? Will it damage their psyche if they wear clothing made with printed fabrics that don't match? Realistically, what are the health consequences?
But I digress a little. OK, maybe I digress a lot!
Everyone needs acceptance to be who they are born to be. Expecting anybody to conform their sexuality, their personality disposition, their style, or their appearance to whatever role model you believe needs to be emulated strips that person of the confidence they need to succeed as their own selves. It strips them of their sense of who they are and can only lead to years of confusion and grief.
If what you want is a mirror image of somebody, perhaps a walk to the bathroom for a look in the mirror would be more effective. You can see the oil on your face and wash it. Pop that whitehead right there in the crease of your nose. Wipe that booger hanging from your nostril. Or are you afraid that you child will see that booger as glamorous? I doubt it!
November 10, 2010
3:49 a.m. CST
