Really? 50/50?
Today I witnessed it again, somebody complaining about the inequalities that often exist between married spouses and how they believe that all marriages should be 50/50. On one hand I can understand the temptation to buy into that. It all sounds so wonderful, so idyllic; both partners sharing the housework equally, both partners sharing the cooking equally, both partners sharing the gainful employment equally, both partners bringing the same paycheck amounts into the house equally. It all sounds so rosy.
But let's face it, things are not equal, and some things can't be. Men will never have menstrual periods, or the pain associated with that. Men will never be pregnant, have morning sickness, have any of the associated conditions or maladies associated with pregnancy, experience labor firsthand or give birth. Men will never experience the feeling of a bowling ball being pushed through an opening only large enough for a golf ball. They will never experience vaginal tearing or the stitches.
But the problem isn't just that male and female bodies are different. It goes beyond that. People are not all identical; in body, in chemistry, in personality, in upbringing, in experience, in education levels, in psychology, in health, in religious beliefs, in energy levels or in expectations. Not everyone is capable of the exact same things. More importantly, not everyone wants to be capable of the exact same things. Not everyone wants to share equally, and here I'm not talking just about the one partner who is giving less, but also of the one who's giving more.
There are women who truly enjoy living a domestic life; cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, raising babies, etc. Then there are some women who like digging ditches. Not all women are strong enough for this. There are some women who like working in offices and others that prefer being at the front lines on the battle field. Not all women have the fortitude for combat situations. Truth be told, I believe most women don't have the mental or physical fortitude for military combat. However, that's not to say that none do.
There are men who truly enjoy working the work-a-day life, doing whatever society believes is typical for a manly man; bailing hay, corporate raiding, digging trenches, supervising the drones. On the other hand, there are those men who like knitting, sewing, designing formal gowns, cooking, nursing and some who like staying home and raising babies.
There are women who want to be out there in the working world and feeling productive and women who like sitting home and being treated like the Queen of Sheba. There are men who like being out in the working world and making tons of money and some who like to sit at home and being waited on hand and foot like King Solomon.
At the same time that there are women who like being Suzy-Homemaker, there are men who want their women to be Suzy-Homemaker. These are generally the same ones where the men prefer to be treated like King Solomon and the women are looking for a King Solomon type.
For every woman who wants to be treated like the Queen of Sheba, there's a man who wants to treat his woman like the Queen of Sheba. For every woman who wants to be a work-a-holic, there's a man who will go gaga over a female corporate raider.
Everyone has different expectations as to what their perfect mate should be. Sometimes these expectations come from how they've been raised by their parents, sometimes from their religious backgrounds, sometimes from society, and sometimes from what they've witness and/or experienced.
I've watched couples get along and others not so much. I've seen couples battle it out when they want, need or expect one thing and get something totally different, and not appreciate what they have. What it all comes down to is being and living in peace with someone you enjoy, appreciate and love, and whether the match is enjoyable to both people involved.
There is a sense of harmony and completeness that comes from two people who fit each other. There is a true sense of beauty from two people who pick up their partner's slack and pull the extra weight where one or the other for whatever reason can't. I personally believe that rather than a man with a chef's heart working a job digging ditches marrying a woman with the heart of a corporate raider sitting at home bored silly washing dishes and hating cooking, it's far more beautiful when they each do what their internally meant to do, and fill their partner's gaps in abilities and desires.
50/50 can sound so marvelous, but we are not all built for 50/50. And we don't all want that, or need it.
February 6, 2011
4:37 a.m. CST
